At this very moment, I am humbled beyond belief.
I am going to HAITI this summer for 2.5 Months!!
I have dreamed about this since I first visited in December 2009. This place has a hold on my heart and I am so thankful for Jesus exposing me to it’s rawness one and a half years ago. As humans we are all broken, yet we find ways to deny or try to hide it. Haiti’s brokenness is just so visible there is no way to deny it! It’s real. Haiti is a real place, with real problems, real diseases, real children orphaned, real amputees who believe they are worthless because they can not work, real injustice. Haiti also has a real HOPE in a God that LOVES to restore broken things!
I am Haiti. I am so deeply broken, beyond my own repair(sometimes to my own disbelief)… but not beyond God’s! I am so exited to see redemption, that only God can provide, working in Haitians lives and my own.
For this internship, I needed to raise $2,988… a LOT of money to this babysitting, loan living, college girl. I first went about raising support the old fashioned way… writing letters! I sent a picture of me on a previous trip to Haiti in the letter and tried to lay out my heart in a few paragraphs. From those 35 letters I sent out I raised about $800!!! which I am SO thankful for!!!… BUT I was kinda freaking out because I still needed over $2,000. And.... ummmmm, that’s a lot! I met with my R.U.F. Campus Minister Ande a couple weeks before school ended and he challenged/encouraged me to ask more people for support. But I was trying to figure out anyway to get out of it, even using my own babysitting money to pay. He kept asking me what I was afraid of and why I didn’t want to ask more people to come alongside me in this mission… it all boiled down to my pridefulness of not wanting to be needy, and my fear of not being loved.
UGH. exposure. vulnerability.
I am so scared of not being loved, supported, and cared for that I would rather work for my own money to pay for my trip, rather than let God provide for me (financially, spiritually, and emotionally) through people in my life. As much as I would LOVE to (and usually do!) deny it, this is not only my heart in support raising, but everyday life!!! Daily, I find myself believing I am most loved & cared for when I am a kind, servant-hearted, “good” person.. which is a complete LIE. I have never been/will never be more or less loved, cared for, and provided for than I am in this moment sitting at panera eating a bowl of soup. No matter if I spend the rest of my life serving in Haiti or being a selfish brat spending all of my time and money on myself not giving a rip about the world.
I am loved and provided for, but not because of ANYTHING I have done or will do, but because of what Jesus has done for me. I can trust that I will be loved and provided for by God because He sent His Son Jesus, to do what I couldn’t. He loves me and tells me He is my Father, my provider. That I do not (and can not!) rely on myself to provide for my needs.
Freedom.
FREEDOM, to be vulnerable & exposed because Jesus loves, supports, cares, and provides for ME… little ole me.
SO… I prayed while trying to trust Jesus with my support, and despite my sinful & reluctant heart… HE provided!! I have felt so loved & cared for by strangers, acquaintances, and dear friends in this support raising season.
Over $2,988 later… I am humbled.
